Realizations

Hey everyone! I'm back! It's been an interesting couple of weeks for me.  I have lost two pounds out of no where. And guess what? I didn't even exercise. I did, however, count my calories and kept it under 2000 calories a day.  I am realizing that I really need to focus on my diet and nutrition right now.  I'm going to stop exercising right now and really focus on my diet.  I am dealing with some dark demons called hunger and  overindulgence.  I need to get them under control before I go gung ho on the exercising routine again.  I'm not going to stop forever of course but just for a couple of weeks until I get totally used to this eating change.  I'm still waiting on my blood test results but I'm still going to change my calorie intake to see if that was the reason I wasn't losing any weight.  Thank you to everyone who has stood by me with your words of support.  I know I can make it through this weigh-loss battle.  I will be able to change my life and keep it healthy for the rest of my life. 

Interesting Information

So I'm sitting on my bed eating lunch.  Alexis is taking a nap.  All of the sudden my phone rings so I answer it.  On the other line is my father-in-law. 

"I have a proposition for you." He says to me.
At this point I'm really curious what is going on.  Then he begins to tell me about his doctors appointment that he had today.  He is a bigger just like me and pretty much our whole family could use some weight loss.  So he told his doctor that it was frustrating that with a lot of things he has changed that he has only lost five pounds.  He told her that I have been working my tail off (I wish it could be a pun at this time) and have only lost a pound.  One of the things that she told him about was sleep apnea.  She said that sleep apnea can cause a whole mess of problems.  When we go to sleep at night, it is our bodies chance to replenish and revive itself in more ways than just feeling like you had a restful nights sleep.  It is also a time for the oxygen in our organs to be replenished.  This doctor said that people who suffer from sleep apnea have a really hard time losing weight because for some weird reason, and they don't know why this happens, it affects your thyroid.  Most people might not know what the thyroid does.  In a general sense, thyroid hormones are responsible for virtually all metabolic activity in the body from appetite to nerve function and cardiac (heart) function.   So it's a pretty important gland.  When these hormones are being affected, one of the big things that  is hit is your metabolism.  Every time you swallow a bite of sandwich or slurp a smoothie, your body works hard to process the nutrients you've eaten. Long after the dishes are cleared and the food is digested, the nutrients you've taken in become the building blocks and fuel needed by your body. Your body gets the energy it needs from food through the process of metabolism.  So it becomes the cause and effect scenario. 

My father-in-law is going to have a sleep apnea test done and next week when I go to the doctor I'm going to talk to him about that.  Good to get a little bit more information for all of us!

Fork in the Road

What the hell am I doing?  Five weeks I've been at this. Five.  Wanna know how much I've lost?  A pound and a half.  Wanna know how many inches I've lost?  Nothing.  Why am I even trying anymore.  What is going on?  I've been exercising three days a week, I've been changing my eating.  I can count on one hand how many times I've eaten out.  I've had maybe 24 ounces of soda in five weeks.  What the hell?  Am I just doomed to live this life at 306.5 pounds?  I thought by now I would have seen something.  Even five or ten pounds.  But no, I see nothing.  It makes it hard to keep going.  I'm feeling really depressed and down about it.  All I want to do is give up.  Should I go talk to a doctor?  What should I do?  I have tried just about every diet under the sun.  I finally said, 'hey, I'm gonna try to do it natural instead of taking pills or being on a regimented program.'  But no, not even that is working.  I'm at a fork in the road and I don't know which way to go.

Being Flexible

Today has not been such a good day for me.  Last night the wind kicked up really bad and it's even worse today.  Translation?  I have allergies and it's getting warmer and plants are starting to pop up.  Which means I am a miserable person today.  I can barely even function inside of the house let alone outside in my garage.  The garage doesn't have much insulation so everything is blowing inside whether the door is open or shut.  I'm upset about it, but it's really hard to do a workout when you are sneezing every 5 seconds. I'm going to catch up hopeful tomorrow with my workout.  But right now, my eyes are watery and itchy and my nose is runny and sneezy.  I guess we have to be flexible at times.  Not everything can go our way everyday.  'Til next time!

I Know It's Working

Today is the starting of week 5.  Wow, just writing that is kind of amazing.  I've never done anything this regimented for five weeks.  I'm still not losing much weight. I'm still only down two pounds from when I started. But that's okay.  I know it's working.  I just really need to focus on my diet.  I say that it is working because regardless of the amount of weight I've lost I did something yesterday that before these 5 weeks I know I wouldn't have been able to do. 

Carson and I took my father-in-laws new hot rod for a quick spin around the block.  We were coming back up our street when the car died about a block away from our house.  My father-in-law didn't answer his phone, and it was a short distance from the house, that I just said I would go up to the house and get him.  Well, our street is on an incline.  It doesn't seem like much, but you feel it once you get to the top.  I started to walk, but then out of no where I decided to run.  I ran up the hill to the house and wasn't even short of breath.  My knees didn't hurt, and I was even wearing crappy shoes at the time instead of my tennies.  Five weeks ago I wouldn't have been able to do that.  I would have been so out of breath and my knees and back would have felt like they were going to explode with pain. 

So even though the scale says that I haven't changed much, I can feel the changes happening.  I can feel my joints and muscles getting stronger.  I can feel my lungs getting stronger and I can breath better.  I don't breath so hard that I feel like I'm going to pass out.  These little things are the things that keep me going.
In the words of Tom Petty:

Well I won't back down
No I won't back down
You can stand me up at the gates of hell
But I won't back down

No I'll stand my ground, won't be turned around
And I'll keep this world from draggin me down
gonna stand my ground
... and I won't back down

Hey baby, there ain't no easy way out
hey I will stand my ground
and I won't back down

Well I know what's right, I got just one life
in a world that keeps on pushin me around
but I'll stand my ground
...and I won't back down

Changes

So I know you have probably noticed that I didn't write again yesterday.  Well, I've made some realizations about my exercise routine.  I think I began to push myself too hard.  I was beginning to feel burnt out.  I had kind of a wake up call with that because I know that in the past, when I've burned myself out, I stop trying.  I feel exhausted and sore and so fatigued that I can't find the motivation to continue with what I've started.  So I'm slowing back down a bit and taking it at an easier pace.  I will continue to do my twenty minute cardio workout three times a week, but I am stopping the strength training for right now.  I'm just going to bust my ass at cardio and build myself up until I'm at thirty minutes straight.  Then I will start strength training.  The elliptical machine that I've been doing my cardio on is kind of a full body workout anyways. It allows me to do some strength training without extra effort.  I know that this might set my weight loss goal back a little bit, but I know that I need to take it at MY pace so I won't quit. 

I need to also focus more on my healthy eating habits.  I just went grocery shopping today and got a lot of great foods.  Changing eating habits is even more important to me than the exercises.  Having healthy habits is what will keep this going for long-term. And after all, that's what I'm going for.

As the poster with the kitty hanging from a tree branch says, "hang on there baby!"

I'm Still Here

Yes everyone, I am still here.  I didn't get a chance to blog yesterday because it was just a busy day.  But I'm back! And I have yet another workout session under my belt.  It really sucked though. Sucked hardcore! LOL. It was difficult. It was painful. But as always, it was worth it.

Today was kind of an emotional workout for me though.  As I was getting past my warm-up and starting to up the intensity of my workout, I started to hear the awful things and chants that kids used to say to me back in elementary and junior high.  I just wanted to stop what I was doing right there and go hide and cry.  I'm not sure exactly why these things popped up.  I've been over it for many years and I have a happy life, so I didn't really care anymore about it.  But there it was.  I was back in fourth grade again.  It was recess, and all the kids were outside playing over by the playground.  I was fairly new to the school as we had just moved to West Jordan.  I remember it so vividly as if it were yesterday.  A group of mostly girls and some boys started to form a circle around me.  Then one girl started to chant "1-800-JENNY" and everyone else started joining in.  I was so horrified and hurt that I wanted to run away but couldn't.  I was frozen.  Finally a teacher came and broke it up but said nothing.  I went on with the rest of my day, but I had fallen inside myself and didn't look at anyone or say anything.

That is just one of the things that happened to me while I was growing up.  So, while I was working out, I pushed and I pushed even further. I could feel the sweat dripping down my face and the saltiness sting my eyes.  But I had to go forward.  Yes, they are all grown and may have families now. They may even have forgotten all about that day.  But I will not let them beat me. I will not let them continue to win.  I WILL NOT let my daughter go through that. I have to become a good role model for her so that she doesn't have to.

I'm not angry at the people who hurt me while I was growing up.  It's not worth it to hold a grudge this many years later.  But I will never forget them.  I will use it to better myself and to take a stand against obesity! This skin suit does not make me who I am and I will still be here fat or not. I just need to make the outside of my body match my mind! I know I can do it.  Thank you for everyone who has given me such positive and uplifting words of encouragement.  I will not fail this. Failure is not an option!

Time to push forward

I just finished my workout today.  I felt like it was time to up the intensity of my workout.  About halfway through I didn't think I was going to make it, but I pushed through.  I found my meditative state and forgot about the pain.  I'm starting to hit that point in this change where I am finding changing my eating habits has become harder than expected.  Part of it has been that we ran out of money and have to wait until this Friday before we get anymore.  It's very frustrating, but I'm trying to do the best I can.  The other, as we all know, was super bowl weekend.  I must admit that I ate like crap this weekend.  I didn't even think about it. I didn't want to. I just wanted to be able to eat what I wanted, and I feel horrible about it. I probably ate my weight in chips and dip.

Today is a brand new day though, and I'm trying to get back on track.  I am feeling down though.  I have been at this for going on 4 weeks now and I haven't lost more than two pounds.  I know most of that is my own fault. But it's so discouraging.  I didn't think I was eating THAT bad. Yeah, I had a few things here and there, but for the most part I've been doing a lot better than I used to.  I'm finding it hard not to quit and give up.  But I have come too far to give up.  I just need to dig deep and find it in myself to change it. It's hard, but things that are worth having are hard to get. I need to remember to tell myself that...

Can't Stop Me Now!

I feel so amazing right now. I just completed the third week of changing my life! I am so proud of myself for finally sticking with it. It's been three weeks already and it's the longest amount of time I've gone. I'm not stopping there! I'm going to go all the way To the top and get my body in shape and get healthy. I want to be around for my daughter. I want to watch her grow and be there for every step she makes. I know I can only do that if I stick with this!

Healthy on a Budget

This week and next week will be difficult to eat healthy.  It's been tough financially for us since christmas, and right now our food stamp money is all gone until next friday.  It's going to be hard to eat healthy on a limited budget for a week and a half.  I'm going to still try the best I can, but I'll have to eat some bad foods in order to not go hungry.  Eventually we will get back into a normal pace and get back on the right track.  But as for then next little while, I'm going to have to do what I can do.

15 degree weather...you cannot beat me!

Dear weather, you may be cold, frigid more like, and you may make my body sting with your bite.  But you will not defeat me!

Another 20 minute workout notch on my belt!  I am starting to notice little changes to my body.  Certain clothes are starting to fit me better. My legs look a little smaller, and I don't have fat ankles anymore!!!  I can't wait to take some more pictures of me to see if the changes are noticeable. 

This has been an amazing ride so far.  I actually have started to look forward to my workouts.  I feel great during and afterwards.  I have so much more energy and I'm honestly happier!  I'm feeling proud of myself for really the first time ever.  My self-esteem is starting to rise and I feel like I can get out there and show who I am to world without feeling like the world is judging me!

For all of you out there trying to lose weight and get healthy.  Know that you can do it!  All you have to do is believe in yourself and you can accomplish anything!

Okay, okay.  Enough of the motivational speech..lol ^_^

Hope all of you who read this find yourselves happy and well!

Mommy Duties

Today's entry is going to be a short one.  I did a little bit of strength training today but real life calls.  Alexis was up again half the night fighting a horrible rash.  I feel so bad for her.  Today has been an on and off day with her.  Mommy duties are taking over exercising today.  It's not a defeat, but my child takes the priority on this one.